I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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