dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
