If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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