hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
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