hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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