No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
