i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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