His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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