when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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