I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
