In the future we'll all be gay
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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