Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
