I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
