What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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