So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
