I met the friendliest cop last night
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
