she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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