a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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