The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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