I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
