Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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