I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
