I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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