you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have fence marks all over my body
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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