Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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