arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
People with herpes should wear stickers.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
