RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
