Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
