woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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