twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i now understand why vodka
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
