How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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