Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
