Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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