I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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