i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
