I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
