I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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