booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Everyone says I win the strip club
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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