Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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