Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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