What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
