Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
