I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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