I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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