When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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