My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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