I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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