I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
