life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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