I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
