it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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