i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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