home. puking in laundry basket.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
