just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My cat gives me a boner
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
