I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
