So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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