Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
