The maid of honor just puked.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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