hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If I die, sorry about rent.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
