Swine flu. Run for my life!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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